Love Is When You Feel Good. Mikhail Labkovsky 6 Rules.

This article presents the views on love and happiness of the famous and somewhat scandalous Russian psychologist, Mikhail Labkovsky. His statements evoke conflicting feelings in my mind. On the one hand, I understand and agree with him, but on the other hand, following his rules could dramatically change your life. Are we ready for this?

"A healthy person loves only those who love him or her. All others are not interesting to the healthy person," this is one of the most striking statements of Mikhail Labkovsky. This statement is unusual and explains a lot, like many other words of Mikhail Labkovsky, immediately drawing attention to him and his teaching.

Before the speech “About love and happiness: where to find it and how to keep it,” the psychologist immediately said that the lecture itself would take no more than 15 minutes, the rest of the time he would answer questions.

“This is not a lecture, when a lecturer talks for two hours, you sleep, and then we disperse,” he said with his trademark humor. Most of Mikhail's public consultations are devoted to answering questions that can be asked both at the microphone and through notes.

“Love is your childhood experiences with your parents. At birth, the child is initially attached to the mother who feeds and gives a feeling of absolute security. Father enters the child's circle of unconditional love a little later, increasing the sense of security.

But in this case, we are talking about a family with ideal relationships in which the baby loves the parents, they love themselves, each other, and the child. Subsequently, such a mentally healthy person subconsciously wants to reproduce this childish feeling.

This person only likes those people who like him or her. Those who don't pay attention to him or her are "an empty place" for the person, ”said Mikhail Labkovsky.

According to Mikhail, a neurotic person is not familiar with the feeling of security, yet they constantly strive for it through other means. Since childhood, they may have lacked attention from their parents, who often quarreled and shouted at each other and at their child.

To earn even a little attention, the child had to prove their worth and show that they deserve recognition for being good. As an adult, such a person may choose an initially indifferent partner as the object of their love, whose love and attention must be constantly earned. They may feel the need to save their partner, justify their unworthy or wild actions, and prove their worthiness over and over again.

And due to the upbringing, norms, and societal mentality, women are often seen as victims. The victim herself desires sacrificial love. Labkovsky argues that one cannot be loved simply by bending to someone else's will.

This may partly explain the high interest of the female audience in Labkovsky's lectures. According to Labkovsky, if a woman wants to win a man, it indicates low self-esteem. If this is not an issue, she wouldn't want to pursue a man who needs to be won.

A healthy relationship involves mutual attraction: 'I like him, he likes me' – that's how it should be, says the psychologist.

"Nice guy, move away ..."

Sigmund Freud argued: "We can't fall in love with someone we didn't know before." The Russian psychologist continues to develop this idea, however, to solve the problem, he formulated his famous six rules, following which you can finally be happy.

6 Rules of Mikhail Labkovsky:

1. Do only what you want to.
2. Do not do what you don’t want to do.
3. Immediately speak up if you don't like something.
4. Do not answer unless you are asked.
5. Answer only the question you have been asked.
6. When clarifying the relationship, talk only about yourself.

Here is a detailed explanation of each rule.

“I didn't create these rules for people with mental disorders but for those who are neurotic and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. I appeal to them to stop forcing love where there is none!

Love is when you feel good without any "but". Everything else is an addiction.

Here's my favorite example. A girl met a guy, they had a great time, and the next day he disappeared. A mentally healthy girl may cry for a couple of weeks and then forget his name.

However, for a neurotic girl, this is the beginning of great love. And if she meets a nice guy in her life, who is willing to truly cherish her, she will not be interested in him because he does not need to be won and conquered.

Figuratively speaking, she is saying, move away, good guy, you are blocking my way to that guy. Most likely, the guy she desires will not chase her and care about her, but she will chase him, dream about him and suffer from unrequited love.

 So the main thing is to take care of yourself first, then you won't poison the lives of others, ”the psychologist commented on his rules.

Next, I want to present several examples of questions and answers in lectures and meetings with Mikhail.

Woman: Before we got married, we had a wonderful romantic relationship. But after that, everything changed. Now my husband walks around the house dressed in whatever came to hand, picking his nose. I hate to see that. What should I do?

Mikhail: My third rule can help you. You don't need to tolerate that; you need to talk about what you don't like immediately. And you only need to say it once.

If your husband doesn't change, there are a few ways out: to accept your husband for who he is or, alternatively, you can become like him - you also walk in an old dressing gown and pick your nose in front of him and watch his reaction, or you leave your husband.

It's necessary to "jump off" from unsuccessful relationships in time, as they say, "without waiting for peritonitis." Moreover, this rule works not only in interpersonal but also in business relationships.

Let me give you an example. I had been working at one TV channel for a long time, my programs were very popular, and I had been making good money. At some point, the owner of the TV channel decided to financially limit me and began to extort money. I came home, didn't sleep all night, and in the morning, I called him and said that I didn’t like him, and I wouldn’t work with him.

I left and was unemployed for almost two years. You also need to be prepared for this. You should also remember the sixth rule: when sorting things out or arguing with him, talk only about yourself. That is not “You don’t love me,” but “I don’t feel loved because of you ...”

Woman: I can't start relationships with men. They either do not pay attention to me or disappear after the first or second date. What is wrong with me?

Mikhail: Start accepting yourself for who you are. You don't have to measure your self-esteem by men. If a woman likes herself, then men will like her.

Woman: I am already over 30, and I never got married. What should I do?

Mikhail: A woman with a healthy psyche wants not to get married first, but to meet “her” man. Then start a relationship with him. And then get married and have children with him. Everything should be done in stages. You have to understand that for this purpose, character, appearance, and age do not play any role! The key to a happy relationship is a healthy psyche.

Woman: How to get rid of feelings of guilt?

Mikhail: Stop thinking of yourself as a bad person and the guilt will go away.

Woman: I decided to follow your rules in relationships with men, with friends, and at work. But it turns out that I stop communicating with many people from my environment, and new people do not appear. What if I'll be left all alone?

Mikhail: How long ago did it start?

Woman: Two months ago.

Mikhail: The first changes in life, if you follow my method, can be expected no earlier than six months after the start. There is nothing wrong with your situation, it's only a matter of time. You need to wait for other people to enter your life, and they will definitely replace the old ones. This is the law.

But here's something to think about. The feeling of loneliness is associated with the fact that you are bored being alone with yourself. Until you are alone and have not entered into a new relationship, you can begin to fill your inner world.

After all, relationships are only part of life. There are so many interesting and beautiful things around. Start doing what you really enjoy doing.